WanderWanderWander

I grew up in "the church." My father was a pastor, my mother a pastor's wife. Each and every decision had the potential to affect how each church viewed my father and his ministry and thus his effectiveness. In this light, there were a few cardinal rules: (I recognize that other pastors handled these rules better, overcoming them, even. But the political structure of the local church and the simplification and twisting of what "sanctification" means in everyday life naturally leads to not overcoming, to kowtowing, towing the line, doing whatever one must to survive to the next paycheck. And I have been told by countless other pastors and families of these same problems.)

1. Show no weakness, unless it's easily remedied. My parents had serious marital difficulties. But they could not work through these publicly without serious and longlasting repercussions to my father's career. Thus, they never got worked out and they divorced just before their 30 year anniversary, after my father had been out of the ministry for a couple of years. If you admit to having any problems with any recurrent sins, you lose your leadership effectiveness. (Why, I ask. Because people must believe that they follow their betters, not flawed humans, in order to simply do as they're told.)

2. Confront no one. Confrontation leads to real conflict which leads to problems.

3. Couch any disagreement in spiritual language. "In my prayer time this morning, I felt led to...." I have seen so many conflicts spring from this attitude, so much dishonesty, so much judgement, it's astounding.

4. Be nice. The truth is so unspiritual, so mean-sounding. You may not sound mean or angry or frustrated or cocky...or real.

Regarding "nice." I met a fellow writer at a conference recently who talked to me about her attempt to find honest feedback. She's writing a Christian book and had tried a couple of Christian critique groups. She said that she never got any honest critiques and when she critiqued honestly, told working writers exactly what she thought about their writing (gold, to my feedback-starved mind), they got angry and defensive. So she came to the "secular world" to find some honest feedback. Shouldn't that be a clue as to something being wrong?

I have been told my entire life to "be nice." But it's not always honest. It often gets in the way of truth and growth, mine and that of others. But "be nice" is the mantra of the modern evangelical church. (The two exceptions are to "entrenched, unrepentant sinners" and your family; you can be mean to them without much, if any, spiritual reprimand.)

I think it's what happened to Mel Gibson. Perhaps he's never been instructed or encouraged to look at those ugly, dark, complex parts of himself, to drag them to the light. I certainly never was. It's only in the last few years that I've recognized (after going on a long church-fast) the need to constantly do so.

One seminal book for me in this journey was Susan Howatch's Glittering Images.
It's about an Anglican pastor who goes through his journey of dragging his dark side to the light. I didn't like her second book quite as much, but this one was brilliant. It's not a typically evangelical book, definitely not something Focus on the Family would publish (thank God).

So is there any conclusion to all this? Any words of wisdom or learning we can all take away from Mel's experience?

Perhaps this: Though I would never wish alcoholism on anyone, I would wish the often unbridled honesty, looseness of tongue, and uninhibited personality that drink brings to most people on the evangelical church. Perhaps if all those placard-carrying, fire-and-brimstone-preaching (usually) men were to lose control every now and then, they'd face up to their dark sides instead of denying them and judging everyone else for having one.